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oh, god, help me find a safe house
 
 
There was a young man whose parents beat him all the time, so he went to his next-door neighbor for help.
"What about your grandparent's house?"
"They beat me too."
"What about your aunt and uncle's?"
"They beat me too."
"Well, where do you think you should live?"
"With the Oakland Raiders. They never beat anyone."
the tomato seller!
 
 
A man from another country came to the U.S. and learned three phrases.
1.Only fifty cents
2. Very, very fresh
3. Not today, maybe tomorrow.

A lady came to his tomato stand and said 'how much are these tomatos?' The man said 'Only fifty cents'. Than she asked 'are they fresh?' The man said 'Very, very fresh'. She then asked, 'Can I buy one?' The man said, 'Not today maybe tomorrow.'

A thief comes and said 'I'm a thief how much money do you have?' The Tomato Seller said, 'Only fifty cents'. The thief said, 'Are you being fresh with me?' The Tomato seller said 'Very, very fresh'. The thief said 'Alright, that's it. I'm going to shoot you.' The Tomato Seller said 'Not today maybe tomorrow!"

The moral to this story is: If you go to a foreign country, learn as much of the language as possible!'

burning bush
 
 
Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.

At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs, or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.

lame-o's
 
 
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

The police thought it was a cereal killer.

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