Whatever jokes

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.

You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You did the LeFreak with Chic.

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

You wore anything Izod, especially collar "up," or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

You even dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.

There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "...and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

Two Words: Feathered hair

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'