Whatever jokes

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she said, he heard
What a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear.
if we don't do laundry right now!”

What a man hears:
“blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW”

pea soup vs. roast beef
Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

A: Anyone can roast beef!
employee of the month
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) 'Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.'
(2) 'His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) 'I would not allow this employee to breed.'
(4) 'This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.'
(5) 'Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.'
(6) 'When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.'
(7) 'He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.'
(8) 'This young lady has delusions of adequacy.'
(9) 'He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.'
(10) 'This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.'
(11) 'This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.'
(12) 'Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.'
(13) 'A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.'
(14) 'He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.'
(15) 'He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.'
(16) 'I would like to go hunting with him sometime.'
(17) 'He's been working with glue too much.'
(18) 'He would argue with a signpost.'
(19) 'He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.'
(20) 'He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.'
(21) 'When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.'
(22) 'If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.'
(23) 'A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.'
(24) 'A prime candidate for natural deselection.'
(25) 'Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.'
(26) 'Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.'
(27) 'Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.'
(28) 'If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.'
(29) 'If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.'
(30) 'If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.'
(31) 'It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.'
(32) 'One neuron short of a synapse.'
(33) 'Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.'
(34) 'Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.'
(35) 'The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.'

why god created man
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

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