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ya wanna find jesus?
A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

"Sure," said the drunk man. "I'll find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk man's head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

"Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

broom factory
A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.

"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

why halloween is better than sex
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You have less guilt the next morning.

top 20 signs it's a bad day
  1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
  2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
  3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
  4. You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office.
  5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
  7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
  8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
  9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
  10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
  11. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
  12. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
  13. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
  14. You wake up and your braces are locked together.
  15. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
  16. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
  17. Your paycheck bounces.
  18. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
  19. Your pet rock snaps at you.
  20. Your wife says, 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is George.

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