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that's not the pope's line of work, fool
 
 
There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence.
So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbor, "Father, surely you can do something about this.."'

To which the Pope replied, "Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management."

holy lottery
 
 
One day, Moishe went to the doctor and the doctor said that he had 10 days to 2 weeks left to live. Moishe said, 'Dr. I've done good things all my life. All I ever wanted was to win the lottery, just once!' The doctor said, 'Sorry Moishe, you're gonna die.' So Moishe went to his church and prayed. He said, 'God, all I ever wanted was to win the lottery. Just once.' The ceiling opened up and a light shined down upon Moishe and a deep booming voice said, 'Moishe, try buying a ticket.'
string in the pants = clean hands
 
 
A man went to a cafe and ordered some soup. Half way through, he dropped his spoon .When the waiter came around to see if everything was ok, the man told him he needed a new spoon. So the waiter pulled one out if his pouch. The man asked, "I was just wondering, why do you keep spoons in your pouch?"

The waiter answered, "To save time."

So the man went on eating his soup. After about 15 minutes, the waiter came by to see if everything was ok. The man said everything was delicious. He noticed that a string was hanging out of the waiters pants, so he asked, "I was just wondering, why do you have a string hanging out of your zipper?"

The waiter answered, "It saves time so that we don't have to wash our hands."

Then the man asked, "But don't you have to touch the doorknob to the bathroom?"
The waiter said, "I dont know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon ."

lost with translation
 
 
The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."


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