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drinking buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"


"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

confessional etiquette
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho Cheese!!!
elvis vs. jesus
  • JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
  • JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
  • JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
  • JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
  • JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
  • JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
  • JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
  • JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."  (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
  • JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
  • JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
  • "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)  ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
  • JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
  • JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water.  (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
  • JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
  • JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
  • JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

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