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the cab driver goes to heaven
 
 
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest.  He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly:  "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results.  When you preached, people slept.  When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
parrot boy
 
 
There was a old man sitting on a bench outside the mall.

A young man walked who had spiked hair that was orange, yellow, green and red. The old man just looked at him.

The young man said ' What's the matter old man? Haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life? ' And the old man said 'Well actully I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wandering if you were my son.'

a sweet ass story
 
 
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.

I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”

Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!

I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)

She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
top ten... sleeping at desk
 
 
10) 'They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'

9) 'This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.'

8) 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!'

7) 'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.'

6) 'I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.'

5) 'I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?'

4) 'Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.'

3) 'The coffee machine is broken...'

2) 'Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...'

1) '.....in Jesus' name, Amen.'

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