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the misprinted money melee
 
 
This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try getting the $8 bill changed so he went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill, hesitated, and then gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
one drunken night
 
 
A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.

Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."

"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"

"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."

"And them out there?" asks the guy,

"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."

celebrity sandwiches
 
 
Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes.
Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread.
Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast.
Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices.
Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns.
Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia.
George Clooney: Beaver on rye.
George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines. bone.
Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita.
Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills.
Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust.
Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll.
Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita.
Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce.
J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs).
John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich.
John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant.
. Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast.
Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce.
Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread.
O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove. Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell.
Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread.
Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns.
Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish.
Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns.
Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel.
after great britain's beer festival...
 
 
After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."


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