Whatever jokes

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

"A little. What's wrong?"

"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

"How did you load the sheet?"

"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?

A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."

He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"

And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.

During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. '... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.'

2. 'She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.'

3. 'A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.'

4. '... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.'

5. '... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve'

6. 'Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.'

7. 'Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.'

8. 'When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.'

9 . 'At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.'

10. '... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.'

11. 'Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.'

12. 'While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.'

13. 'During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.'

14. 'A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.'

15. 'His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.'

16. 'Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.'

17. '... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.'

18. 'Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.'

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”