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job application
 
 
This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

santa's miranda rights
 
 
Q: Why did Santa get arrested?

A: He got caught laying Barbie under the Christmas tree!

two little snakes
 
 
Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, 'What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, 'Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, 'What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, 'Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.'
annoying things to do in a restaurant
 
 
  1. Ask for a seat for your imaginary friend Bobo.
  2. Growl constantly and address everyone as 'Matey'.
  3. Ask for the Soup-du-Jour… at a fast food joint.
  4. Then ask about the freshness of the meat.
  5. Get out a stopwatch and see how fast you can get the manager over to you.
  6. Stare at a neighbor's food until they say something and then reply, "Oh don't mind me, I'm just looking for the piece of food that flew out of my mouth."
  7. Ask the waiter for a fresh fork, then a fresh spoon, then a fresh tablecloth.
  8. Burp the National Anthem, call anyone who objects unpatriotic.
  9. Yell, "Oh no not now!" and make a mad dash to the bathroom.
  10. Make obvious attempts to trip the waiters, snicker constantly.

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