Whatever jokes

1. You've lost the feeling below your ankles.
2. When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.
3. When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
4. The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.
5. Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
6. People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"
7. The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
8. It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.
9. When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.
10. Your name is Al Roker.

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

'Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

'Six months, and it starts to rain,' thundered the Lord. 'You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.'

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

'Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

'Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

'You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?' Noah asked, hopefully.

'Wrong!' thundered the Lord. 'But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.'

'What's that?' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

'Government.'

A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole.