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smoking at gas station
This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire.

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
Do you know what's corny?

A field of corn!
the jackass story
This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, 'Hello?' '

I politely said, 'This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?'

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, 'You're a jackass!' and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word 'jackass,' and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, 'You're a jackass!'

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.

I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, 'Hello.' I made up a name. 'Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?'

He went, 'No!' and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're a jackass!'

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, 'You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."

I noticed he had a 'For Sale' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, 'You're a jackass!' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?'
'Yes, it is.'

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

'Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.'

I said, 'What's your name?'

'My name is Don Hansen.'

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

'I'm home in the evenings.'

'Listen Don, can I tell you something?'


'Don, you're a jackass!' And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, 'Hello.'

I yelled 'You're a jackass!' but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He said, 'Stop calling me.'

I said, 'No.'

He said, 'What's you name, pal?'

I said, 'Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Where do you live?'

'1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.'

'I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.'

'Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!' and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, 'Hello.'

I said, 'Hello, Jackass!'

He said, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

'You'll what?'

'I'll kick your butt.'

'Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!' And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Name withheld to protect the guilty.

bubba claus
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: 'These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.'

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, 'On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.'

5. 'Ho, ho, ho!' has been replaced by 'Yee Haw!' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, 'I her'd dat!'

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words 'Back Off!' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see 'Boss Hogg Saves Christmas' and 'Smokey and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like 'Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer' and Bing Crosby's 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town.' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's 'Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's 'All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s 'If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.'

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

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