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blondes and airplanes
 
 
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

there was a man who loved baked beans...
 
 
There was a man who loved baked beans, but they always had an embarrassing and lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way hame from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.

He went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans and all the way home he farted.

By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "Rriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for almost ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

i bet you can't...
 
 
A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out." The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you laugh."
did i do that?
 
 
Three men are on a plane. The first one throws a dirt-clod out of the plane. When he lands, he finds a child crying and asks him, "Why are you crying?" The child says a dirt-clod fell out of the sky and hit his dad on the head. The second man on the plane throws a dog's chewing bone. When he lands the plane he finds a woman crying and asks, "Why are you crying?" The woman says, "A bone fell out of the sky and hit my husband on the head" The third man on the plane throws a bomb. When he lands the plane, he finds an old man laughing and asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The old man replies, "I farted and my house blew up."

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