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sexually exhausted jock
 
 
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?'

'Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.'

how to sell lawnmowers
 
 

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

equal opportunity asphyxiation
 
 
Why do farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

statue fantasy
 
 
An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea.

He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, 'Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.'

Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.

The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, 'For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!'

With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, 'The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!'


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