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shoot the pig
 
 
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?'

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

god is missing
 
 
Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

baseball for scotsmen
 
 
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

signs your co-worker is a hacker
 
 
  1. Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
  2. Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
  3. When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
  4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
  5. Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
  6. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
  7. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
  8. Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
  9. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President."
  10. You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

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