Whatever jokes

Jokes » whatever » jokes 406

Whatever


a fence bid
 
 
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, 'Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?' So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, 'Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, 'Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, '$2,700.'
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' he said. '$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.'
chicken engineering at its finest
 
 
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from 'Feathers,' the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: 'Use a thawed chicken.'

the legend of the trids
 
 
There once was this group of strange beings called Trids. The Trids were only about a foot long, and the lived in a valley next to a hill. Every day they would climb the hill to gather berries and other plant foods.

At the top of the hill lived an Ogre that always kicked the Trids down the hill.

Finally, the leader of the Trids called a local Rabbi to come help them get food and to talk to the ogre. The Rabbi stood behind a tree on the hill and watched the Trids climb up the hill.

All was fine, until the Ogre popped out of a cave and one-by-one kicked the screaming Trids down the hill.

The Rabbi scaled the hill and asked the hideous creature why he kept kicking the Trids.

The Ogre looked over at the Rabbi and simply replied, 'Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids.' '
three dumb hunters
 
 
Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"


Page 407 of 497     «« Previous | Next »»