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true newspaper clippings
 
 

  • 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

  • AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

  • SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

  • FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

  • 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

  • TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

  • COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

  • 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

  • STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

  • FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

  • FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

  • SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

  • GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

  • FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

  • FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

  • FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

  • NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

  • BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

  • SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

  • FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

  • HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

  • GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

  • HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

  • GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

  • NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

  • FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

  • AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

  • TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

  • NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

  • EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

  • OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

  • JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

  • LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

  • ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

  • GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

  • GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

  • BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

  • OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

  • KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

  • FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

five pound fly
 
 
How do you get five pounds of meat out of a fly?

Unzip It!

the butcher's wife
 
 
How did the butcher introduce his wife?

“Meat Patty.”
how to urn bennys
 
 
There was a man named Benny who loved to take walks on the beach. One day he found a bottle with a genie in it. He let the genie out.
The genie was so grateful that he granted him one wish with the condition that he never shave again, otherwise he'd turn him into an urn.
Benny got his wish of riches and fame but he kept tripping over his long beard which he hadn't shaved in 30 years. Benny said to himself, “that genie isn't around anymore, I'm shaving.” With that, he went home and shaved. Instantly he went 'POOF' and turned into an urn.
Moral to the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn-ed.

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