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What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.
liar sermon
A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, 'Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark'.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, 'Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.'

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, 'You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.'
blind skydivers
Do you know why blind people don't skydive?

It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye-dogs.

you know you're really fat when
You get kicked out of all-you-can-eat restaurants.

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