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the lyin' king
 
 
What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.

jesus and satan are having a conversation...
 
 
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

the eternal optimist
 
 
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say 'It could have been worse.' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, 'Where's Gary?'

And one of his friends said, 'Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'

Joe says,'Well it could have been worse.'

Both his friends said, 'How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'

Joe says, 'If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!'

what's rough and hairy?
 
 
Q: What's rough and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, starts with a c, ends with a t, and has a u and an n in it?

A: A coconut.

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