Whatever jokes

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids?

Cause he only comes once a year!

What's grosser than gross?
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.

What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.

What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face.

You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.

But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. '... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.'

2. 'She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.'

3. 'A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.'

4. '... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.'

5. '... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve'

6. 'Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.'

7. 'Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.'

8. 'When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.'

9 . 'At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.'

10. '... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.'

11. 'Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.'

12. 'While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.'

13. 'During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.'

14. 'A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.'

15. 'His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.'

16. 'Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.'

17. '... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.'

18. 'Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.'

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”