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little pianist
 
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, 'That's amazing how did you get that.' The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, 'I wish I had a million bucks.' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."

So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, 'I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'

in-laws and out-laws
 
 
What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.
metaphysical downsizing
 
 
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie.

The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there.

Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

long sermon
 
 
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 'I went to get a haircut,' was the reply.
'But,' said the pastor, 'why didn't you do that before the service?'
'Because,' the gentleman said, 'I didn't need one then.'

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