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dictaphone
 
 
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"

He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

bite your tongue
 
 
What's one thing you don't tell to a vampire?

Bite me.
engineers and a glass of water
 
 
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

a lady and her baby...
 
 
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"

The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."


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