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the native american clock
One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the desert. He came along this native American layin' naked with a hard-on, so the cowboy decided to ask the N. American, 'What are you doing, why are you layin there naked?'

The N. American replies, 'I'm finding out the time.'

So the cowboy's like, 'Well then, what time is it?'

The N. American replies 'its 12:15.'

The cowboy looks at his watch and thought, "Wow he's pretty good. It really is 12:15."

The cowboy continues on a few hours and sees another N. American laying naked on the ground with a hard-on. So again he asks, what he is doing. The N. American replies'

I'm seeing what time it is.'

The cowboy asks him what time it was, and the N. American answered, "it's 3:15."

The cowboy looked at his watch and he too had the correct time. The cowboy continued moseying on and he finds a third N. American laying naked on the ground with a hard-on, EXCEPT this guy is jerking off.

The cowboy, leans over and asks what he was doing and the N. American replied, "I'm winding my watch."'

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho Cheese!!!
elvis vs. jesus
  • JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
  • JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
  • JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
  • JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
  • JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
  • JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
  • JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
  • JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."  (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
  • JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
  • JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
  • "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)  ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
  • JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
  • JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water.  (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
  • JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
  • JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
  • JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
Susan was standing on a street corner when Bob stopped and said, 'Hey Susan, er, did you know you have a tampon hanging out of your mouth?'

'Oh my God,' she said, 'what did I do with my cigarette?'

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