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night of the living dead
 
 
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.

"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.

"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"

the native american clock
 
 
One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the desert. He came along this native American layin' naked with a hard-on, so the cowboy decided to ask the N. American, 'What are you doing, why are you layin there naked?'

The N. American replies, 'I'm finding out the time.'

So the cowboy's like, 'Well then, what time is it?'

The N. American replies 'its 12:15.'

The cowboy looks at his watch and thought, "Wow he's pretty good. It really is 12:15."

The cowboy continues on a few hours and sees another N. American laying naked on the ground with a hard-on. So again he asks, what he is doing. The N. American replies'

I'm seeing what time it is.'

The cowboy asks him what time it was, and the N. American answered, "it's 3:15."

The cowboy looked at his watch and he too had the correct time. The cowboy continued moseying on and he finds a third N. American laying naked on the ground with a hard-on, EXCEPT this guy is jerking off.

The cowboy, leans over and asks what he was doing and the N. American replied, "I'm winding my watch."'

mechanic's lube
 
 
How do you know a mechanic just got lucky?

One of his fingers is clean.

old lady's breasts
 
 
Q: What has an old lady got between her breasts that a young one doesn't?

A: Her belly button.

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