Whatever jokes

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sticky & wet
 
 
What goes in hard and comes out sticky and wet?

Bubble gum, you sicko!
the soldier
 
 
There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to go to war. On the first day they were lining up for guns. He was toward the end of the line and, when they got to him the supply sergeant said they didn't have any more guns, so they gave him a broom and told him to point it at people and say,"Bangitty bangitty bang!" So he thought, "Oh great, I come out here to fight for my country and they give me a broom."

Then the next day they were lining up for bayonets and he was at the back of the line again. And when they got to him, again he was told they didn't have any left, so they gave the soldier a carrot and told him to tie it to the end of his broom, stab people with it and say,'Stabitty stabitty stab.' And he thought, "Yeah great, I'm gonna go out there and get killed. Just what I always wanted."

So when they went out on the battlefield, the soldier walked out there and decided he'd at least try it out, rather than just stand there and be killed. So he went up to someone and said, "Bangitty bangitty bang!" and the guy fell over dead. So he thought, "My God! This actually works!

" He went up to another person and said, "Stabitty stabitty stab" and, again, the guy died. So he went around killing people with his broomstick and his carrot, thinking, "Wow! This is so cool!"

Then he sees this guy standing all by himself and the soldier thinks, "Easy target. I'm going to go get him." So he goes over there and says, "Bangitty bangitty bang," and nothing happens. He goes closer and doesit again and still nothing happens. So the soldier thinks, "Oh no! It must be out of bullets! But how do you reload a broom?" So he gets closer and says 'Stabbety stabbety stab.'"Stabitty stabbity stab." And still nothing happens. But then the guy he was trying to kill ran over him
! And, as he was running overthe solider, he said, "Tankitty tankitty tank."

adam and eve
 
 
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.

"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."

charming
 
 
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"


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