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yo mama and her car
Yo mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
actual answers from radio contestants
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...

1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France?

4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t

9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race
The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair

14) A famous Royal

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom

19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs
The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac

22) Something people might be allergic to

23) Something you do before you go to bed

24) Something you put on walls
A roof

25) Something slippery
A con-man

26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping

28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato

29) A famous Scotsman

30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels

why did the city build a graveyard...
Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?

A: So all the old people can see there futures!

you can take it with you
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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