Whatever jokes

Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, 'Straight, straight, curly.'

As he is quietly watching television at home, a man hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it is a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly calls up the local zoo autorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovering unit is on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver takes from the back of the truck a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: 'First I'll climb up there with the ladder, then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua dog will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...' Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge shotgun? 'Well... ' explains the experienced gorilla retriever, 'It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat, shoot the dog.'

What is blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."