Whatever jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

• Plato: for the greater good. • Karl Marx: It was historical inevitability. • Douglass Adams: 42 • Oliver North: National security was at stake. • Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees • Earnest Hemmingway: To die. In the rain. • Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it. • Ronald Regan: I forget. • Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it f-----g wanted to. That's the f----g reason. • Mark Twain: The news of it's crossing has been greatly exagerated. • Mr T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too

Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes.
Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread.
Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast.
Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices.
Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns.
Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia.
George Clooney: Beaver on rye.
George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines. bone.
Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita.
Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft "r's" wrapped in $100 bills.
Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust.
Jennifer Aniston: Friendly's fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll.
Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita.
Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce.
J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs).
John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich.
John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun.
Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant.
. Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast.
Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce.
Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread.
O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove. Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell.
Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin'-pussy bread.
Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns.
Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish.
Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns.
Woody Allen: Egg foo "young" and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel.

A man went on vacation to Texas. He went into a diner and ordered an orange juice and a steak. The waitress brough a pitcher of orange juice and the man's jaw dropped. The farmer said, "Pardon me, I ordered a glass of orange juice not a whole pitcher." The waitress simply said, "Sir, this is Texas. Every thing is bigger." So when the waitress brought the steak the farmer said, "Excuse me, I ordered a steak not the whole cow!" Again the waitress said, "This is Texas every thing is bigger." After he finished he had to go to the bathroom so he asked the waitress were it was. She told him it was down the hall first door to the left. Just as he walked through the men's room door he fell into a deep pool and screamed, "HELP, HELP! DON'T FLUSH!"

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."