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be careful what you wish for
 
 
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

bad dog, put fluffy back
 
 
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
captain red shirt
 
 
A ship captain always asks for his red shirt when he sights a pirate ship, and he always wins in battle against them. His first mate asks him why he always wants the red shirt and the captain replies, 'Because if I get wounded, you won't see the blood and you'll keep on fighting.' The next day, a whole fleet of pirate ships attack and the first mate says, 'Give me my brown pants!'
winders 98
 
 
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:

Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:

tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n' truck
Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.


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