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abbott & costello's cyber-routine

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

year 2000 interview with jesus
Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News has obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most to blame for the situation.

Internet News: We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ: First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN: But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC: Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the open fields during winter, were they?

IN: No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC: Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would just make another holiday out of it and I think that two birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN: But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC: That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC. It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC: Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN: So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN: Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way. So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC: I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN: Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC: Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC: Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.

incredible confession
The privacy partition in the confessional booth slides and an excited voice bursts through the screen: "Father, I gotta tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18 year old women for eight hours last night!"
The stunned priest, replies incredulously, "you did WHAT!"
"I said, I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two eighteen year old women last night for eight hours."
The stern father replies, "boy, I've been waiting all my life for a guy like you. I'm gonna give you a penance like you'll never forget."
To which the voice replies, "Father, you can't give me a penance."
"Why not?" asks the man of the cloth.
"Because I'm Jewish," claims the voice.
The perplexed Father asks, "then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"
mixed breed
What do you get if you breed a pitbull terrier with Lassie?

A dog that will chew your arm off but then run for help!

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