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grandma on the run
 
 
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
i see you!
 
 
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

the golfer and the leprechaun
 
 
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?" The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

halle berry bares all
 
 
Halle Berry got a $500,000 bonus for her much-ballyhooed, first-ever topless scene in Dominic Sena's Swordfish. And Jay Leno got an unscheduled sneak peek when Berry guested on "The Tonight Show" shortly before the film's release...

Thanks to her plunging neckline, Berry revealed rather more to her host than she had planned. "My problem is, I've never sat down in this dress," said a blushing Berry as she attempted to cover herself.

Leno's impromptu reply? "My problem is... I can't stand up!"


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