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life's reflections
 
 
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

occupy this
 
 
A man's occupation is to stick his cockulation in a woman's ventilation to increase the population of the younger generation. I got this information from the board of education if you want a demonstration -- LIE DOWN!
the magician and the parrot
 
 
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, 'It's in his sleeve!'

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, 'It's in his pocket!'

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, 'I give up, what'd you do with the ship?'

lightbulb... harvard
 
 
How many Harvard girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's Radcliffe. It's women. And it's not funny!


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