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the retirement party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."

how many men does it take?
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to actually do the work and four others to say how they screwed it.

king jesus
This guy breaks into a house, and starts stealin some jewerly out of a jewerly box. Out of nowhere he hears, "Jesus is watchin you." He looks around, but doesn't see anything, so he goes into the next room. He starts looking around in the dressers and closets, then hears the same voice again, "Jesus is watchin you." Hegets a little scared so he starts sneaking around the house to search for the voice when he hears it again, "Jesus is watchin you." He follows the voice and it leads him to a bird cage. He sees the bird and asks, "Did you say that?" The bird replied, "Yes" "What is your name little bird?" "Moses" "What kind of retarded people name their birds Moses?" The bird smiles, "The kind of people who name there rottweiler Jesus!"
an old fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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