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the vacuum business sucks
 
 
One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door in a new neighborhood. The salesman goes and knocks on a door. A mean looking woman answers but the salesman decided to go ahead and try to sell her a vacuum.

Before she can say a word, the man walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. Then he says, 'Ma'am, just to show you how good my vacuum works, if it can not pick up every last piece of these cow patties I will eat them.'

The woman smiles and asks, 'You want ketchup with that?'

The salesman not understanding inquires, 'Why do you ask?'

The woman replies after wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, 'Well we just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet.'

optimistic jack
 
 
Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack was very optimistic -- even if a situation was terrible, Jack could always think of a way it could be worse. Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to to lie to Jack.
"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't that terrible?"
"Sure, it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
"How could THAT possibly have been worse?"
"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"
monster valentine
 
 
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?

Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

no, officer
 
 
A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.
"Sir," says the cop. "You were going 60 in a 50."
"No, I wasn't."
"Yes, you were," says the wife.
"Keep quiet!" says the man, angrily.
"And you weren't wearing a seatbelt," says the cop.
"Yes I was."
"No, you weren't," says the wife.
"SHUT UP!" says the man, really angry.
"Ma'am," asks the cop, "is he always the rude and violent?"
"Only when he's DRUNK."

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