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hate to brag
 
 
I hate to brag, but if I was sitting on the toilet, and got the hiccups, I'd siphon the bowl dry!
two spoons
 
 
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."

The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"

The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."

chicken wire & duct tape
 
 
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

drivers education exam answers
 
 
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.


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