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helen keller feller
Why didn't anybody hear Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.
you know you're addicted to coffee when...
  1. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  2. you sleep with your eyes open.
  3. you have to watch videos in fast-foward.
  4. the only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  5. you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without the timer.
  6. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  7. your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  8. you chew on other people's fingernails.
  9. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  10. you can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
  11. you can jump-start your car without cables.
  12. you don't sweat, you percolate.
  13. you walk twenty miles on your tread mill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  14. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  15. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  16. instant coffee takes too long.
  17. you channel surf faster without a remote.
  18. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  19. you short out motion detectors.
  20. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  21. you help your dog chase its tail.
  22. you soak your dentures in coffee.
  23. your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an IV hook-up.
  24. you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  25. you answer the door before people knock.
drunk superhero
Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, 'Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!'
Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, 'YOU'RE ON!'
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. 'WOW,' screamed the 2nd guy, 'That was incredible. Do it again!'
So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. 'That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

'Ok,' said the first guy, 'But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. 'Your turn,' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. 'This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer.
The bartender remarked, 'You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'
the waiter and the fart
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!"
To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"

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