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bad drivers
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, 'Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'

Herman says, 'I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'

social security applicant
The elderly man told his wife he was going to sign up for social security. She says, 'You can't do that, you lost your birth certificate.'
He says, 'Oh I'll talk them into it.'

So when he returns the next day, he is all smiles and says, 'I'm all signed up and no problems.' '
Well, how did you do that?' she asks.
He replies, 'I took off my shirt and showed her all the gray hair on my chest, and showed her all the gray hair on my head.'
The wife states, 'Well, why didn't you drop your pants, we could have gotten disability.'

holding it in
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor!
stick 'em up
Police: Why did you steal his watch?

Thief: I didn't steal it, he gave it to me!

Police: When did he give it to you?

Thief: When I showed him the gun!

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