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two guys in a bar
 
 
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. Then the bartender says, 'Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here.' So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.
demon babies
 
 
One day there was a woman who was about to have babies. She went to a fortune teller and the fortune teller said she would have twins - and they would be demons. The news somehow got on TV, so there were FBI agents and cops in the hospital room where the woman was going to give birth. They had guns ready to shoot the babies when they came out.

One of the babies stuck his head out and saw what was going on. So he stuck his head back in and told his brother. After hearing what was going to happen the second brother said, "Let's go out the back way."

nervous taxi driver
 
 
Nervous Taxi Driver A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
godawful pickup line
 
 
Is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can definitely see myself in your pants tonight.

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