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What did the lima bean say before it went into the pot?

Sufferin' succotash!

brown and serve
What's brown and in the military?

Gomer's pile!

signs you've had too much of the '90s
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.

3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in '.com'

4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.

5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams bookmarked

6. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency

7. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

8. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.

9. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

10. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you. “Sorry, I only sent ‘e-cards’ this year, you just didn't make the cut”

11. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o'clock.

12. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
oh, god, help me find a safe house
There was a young man whose parents beat him all the time, so he went to his next-door neighbor for help.
"What about your grandparent's house?"
"They beat me too."
"What about your aunt and uncle's?"
"They beat me too."
"Well, where do you think you should live?"
"With the Oakland Raiders. They never beat anyone."

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