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Whatever


diet for stress
 
 
Breakfast:
  • 1/2 grapefruit
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast
  • 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
  • 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
  • 1 cup steamed spinach
  • 1 cup herb tea
  • 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
  • The rest of Oreos in the package
  • 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
  • 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
  • 2 loaves garlic bread
  • 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
  • 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
  • 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
  • Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for This Diet
  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
  4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.
  8. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  9. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
  10. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
  11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  12. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  13. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
  14. REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
what do you call a mushroom...
 
 
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fungi to be around!

king tut tut tut
 
 
What did King Tut say when he got scared?
I want my mummy!
door-to-door sales crap
 
 
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


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