Whatever jokes

Jokes » whatever » jokes 264


math book talk
What did one math book say to the other math book?

I have a lot of problems!
botched robbery
Two guys are committing a robbery. One of them is inside getting the money, the other is waiting in the getaway car. The man in the car is nervous because his partner hasn't come out yet.
Finally, the doors of the bank burst open... out comes the partner, lugging a large safe tied up with a rope. As they are getting in the car, the doors to the bank burst open a second time. The security guard comes out. His pants are around his ankles, and he is shooting his gun at the two men in the car.
The man who was in the getaway car starts yelling at his partner: “I knew you'd mess up! You always mess up! I told you to BLOW the SAFE and TIE UP the GUARD!”
the vacuum business sucks
One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door in a new neighborhood. The salesman goes and knocks on a door. A mean looking woman answers but the salesman decided to go ahead and try to sell her a vacuum.

Before she can say a word, the man walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. Then he says, 'Ma'am, just to show you how good my vacuum works, if it can not pick up every last piece of these cow patties I will eat them.'

The woman smiles and asks, 'You want ketchup with that?'

The salesman not understanding inquires, 'Why do you ask?'

The woman replies after wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, 'Well we just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet.'

last request
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Page 265 of 497     «« Previous | Next »»