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getting weighed
 
 
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

the marine shares a room
 
 
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

painful bar joke
 
 
A guy walks into a bar, and sustains a mild concussion.
a few philisophical statements...
 
 
Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

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