Whatever jokes

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Whatever


stick 'em up
 
 
Police: Why did you steal his watch?

Thief: I didn't steal it, he gave it to me!

Police: When did he give it to you?

Thief: When I showed him the gun!
thermos
 
 
A man walks into a store and sees a thermos.
"May I help you?" asks a store clerk.
"Yeah! What's that?"
"Why, that's a thermos! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!" The man buys it and the next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask what it is, and he tells them.
"It's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"What do you have in there?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee."
moth inspector
 
 
A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. 'Who the hell are you?' he yells. The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector' 'Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?' He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my God! I'm too late!'
human resource lingo
 
 

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


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