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Whatever


don't say this during sex
 
 
  1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  2. You woke me up for that?
  3. Did I mention the video camera?
  4. Do you smell something burning?
  5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
  6. Try breathing through your nose.
  7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
  11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
  12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
  14. Do you accept Visa?
  15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
  21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
  23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  25. Got any penicillin?
  26. But I just brushed my teeth...
  27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  29. I want a baby!
  30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  34. I think you have it on backwards.
  35. When is this supposed to feel good?
  36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
  38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
  47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
  48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
  50. You're almost as good as my ex!
  51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  53. You look younger than you feel.
  54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  60. What tampon?
  61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
  62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  64. I have a confession...
  65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  72. Did you come yet, dear?
  73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  75. Does this count as a date?
  76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
  79. You can cook, too right?
  80. When would you like to meet my parents?
  81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
  82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
  83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
  89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
  93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
  94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  95. Is this a sin too?
  96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
  101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
mr. maxwell
 
 
Mr. Maxwell, the Founder/President of Maxwell House was recently killed in an unfortunate accident. Mr. Maxwell was an avid sky-diver and during a recent jump his parachute failed to open and he was killed on impact. His friends remember the fact that he was an INCREDIBLY pleasant, nice man before his fatal jump. And so on his tombstone they inscribed: 'Mr. Maxwell, good to the last drop.'
torpedos
 
 
There was this woman who wanted bigger boobs. So she prayed to God and prayed and prayed, and eventually she got an answer -- God told her that every time someone said 'pardon me' to her, her boobs would get a little bit bigger. So she was in the grocery store and someone bumped into her and said 'pardon me' and her boobs got bigger. Then she was in the parking lot and someone hit her car and they said 'pardon me' and her boobs got a little bigger. That night this lady was in a restaurant, and a waiter tripped over her and spilled his food everywhere. He said 'Oh, excuse me! A thousand pardons.'
The next morning the headline in the newspaper was: 'Waiter killed by torpedos.'
the holy water
 
 
One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.

After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, 'I had sex with two men at one time.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.' The second nun tells the priest, 'I robbed a bank for $25,000.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'

The third nun tells the priest, 'I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.'

The priest says, 'Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'

The priest said to the fourth nun, 'Okay, what sin did you commit.'

The fourth nun says, 'I pissed in the holy water.'


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