Whatever jokes

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

NO... WE'RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes -- including a boa constrictor -- hidden in the men's pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics... but in the words of one investigator, "drugs don't move around like that."

SAFETY FIRST Four masked gunmen entered a bank in Jackson, Mississippi armed with automatic weapons and pulled a daring daylight heist. The bank's armed security guard didn't intervene to stop the robbery... because he was too busy hiding in the bank's bathroom. The guard told police that when he heard people in the bank screaming, he went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Jackson police declined to criticize the guard's actions, noting that he could have been killed if the robbers had seen him.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "DOPE?"

A man who showed up at the Knoxville, Tennessee, police department for a court-ordered safe driving class never made it -- he ended up in jail instead. Police say the man was killing time waiting for the class to begin by smoking a joint in the police station parking lot. A passing police cadet smelled the odor of marijuana and approached the man's car. When he spotted the uniformed cadet, the man backed out of the parking space so quickly he almost ran over her. The man drove out of the police lot...parked at a bank across the street... then returned to the police department property for traffic school. He was arrested instead. Good news for the luckless motorist: he wasn't charged with a drug offense. The bad news: he was charged with aggravated assault with a vehicle.

OUR EXPERTISE IS FREE. AND YOU WILL BE TOO...IN ABOUT TEN YEARS

A pot farmer in Franklin, Tennessee was undone by his ego, a roll of film and an alert employee of a photo store. Franklin police commander Larry Barnes explains:

"This old boy had these nice plants growing...and he took some nice 35-millimeter shots to show to his friends." Unfortunately for the suspect, one of the photo experts at Wolf Camera & Video recognized the plants in the pictures and made a call to police. Officers who searched the man's residence found a well-equipped indoor pot-growing operation set up in one of the home's closets.

OH. WHEN YOU SAID 'CLEAN IT,' I THOUGHT...
An alleged drug dealer was arrested in Vero Beach, Florida after he took the wrong bag to the cleaners. When a worker at the store opened the bag he found, not laundry, but three pounds of marijuana.

DON'T WORRY MAN... I THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING

NOW THAT'S WEIRD...

A woman in Bulls Gap, Tennessee reported to police that she was assaulted at her home by a man who struck her twice in the head with a dead squirrel and pushed her into a bathtub.

BET HE HAS TROUBLE FINDING THE TV REMOTE TOO

A Conyers, Georgia man who bought a used Mercedes convertible then reported it stolen found out that the car was equipped with one extra accessory he didn't know about: a LoJack anti-theft tracking device. When police activated the device, they were able to quickly track the car down: it was parked in the man's basement...along with three other cars that had recently been reported stolen.

LOOKS LIKE AN INSIDE JOB

A seven-year employee of Arizona State University in Phoenix was arrested and charged with stealing money and compact discs from a campus office. She has been charged with breaking and entering, burglary, and possession of burglary tools. The suspect is the coordinator of crime prevention programs at ASU. She was arrested at her office -- which is located at the Phoenix police department.

WAKE UP, POPS... BEFORE SOMETHING STUPID HAPPENS! A 72-year old murder defendant in Little Rock, Arkansas fell into a sound sleep as he awaited his case to be announced. He was still asleep when his two daughters and a public defender entered a not-guilty plea for him. At about that same moment, a man sitting next to the slumbering defendant shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber but not fully aware of the proceedings, the man jumped to his feet and shouted, "I plead guilty!" The judge in the case allowed the original not-guilty plea to stand.

HEY WAIT A MINUTE -- THIS AIN'T THE GAP!

A robbery suspect in Suffield, Connecticut made a wrong turn while fleeing police and ended up in the lobby of a high-security prison. The suspect was being pursued by police who had spotted his car as matching the description of one used in a robbery a short time earlier. During the chase, the man pulled into the parking lot of Macdougal Correctional Institution, leaped from his car... and ran into the front lobby. "I believe he thought it was a mall," said one of the arresting officers. "But I've never seen too many malls with a razor wire across the top."

AND FINALLY...

Two thieves caused several thousand dollars damage to a funeral home in Arab, Alabama recently while trying to steal gas from a flower van parked outside the building. The pair had used a knife to cut a hole in the van's fuel tank and were draining the gas into a container. The plan fell apart when one of the thieves lit a cigarette lighter so they could see how much gas they had gotten.

Your bike!