Whatever jokes

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%.

Anna Nicole Smith: I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm looking for anyone with a job that I don't have to support.

Brad Pitt: Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed.

Christina Ricci: My dream role would probably be a psycho killer, because the whole thing I love about movies is that you get to do things you could never do in real life, and that would be my way of vicariously experiencing being a psycho killer. Also, it's incredibly romantic.

Courtney Love: I don't need plastic in my body to validate me as a woman.

David Letterman: Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

Drew Barrymore: If I die before my cat, I want a little of my ashes put in his food so I can live inside him

Elizabeth Hurley: I've always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I'm a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me

Heather Graham: Whenever I meet people who seem really sweet and unassuming, I kind of wonder about them.

Jennifer Lopez: People equate sexy with promiscuous. They think that because I'm shaped this way, I must be scandalous, like running around and bringing men into my hotel room. But it's just the opposite.
Justin Timberlake: Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love.

P. Diddy: I feel safe in white because, deep down inside, I'm an angel.

He asks the salesmen, "How much?"

The salesman replied, "12 bucks for the rat and 100 bucks for the story."

The tourist says, "I'll just take the rat, thanks."

As soon as the tourist leaves the shop rats started crawling out of the sewers. There were a hundred rats, then a thousand, and then millions.

The tourist was running as fast as he could. He ran to the end of the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could. All the other rats jumped after it and drowned.

The tourist walked back to the store.

The salesmen says, "Came back for the story, eh?"

The tourist replies, "No but I was wondering, do you have a statue of a Republican?"