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serenity under pressure
 
 
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
space monkeys
 
 
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.'

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.'

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to the astronaut...'

At this the astronaut shouted 'I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.'

urethra vs. garden hose
 
 
Q: What's the difference between a urethra and a garden hose?

A: Well, let me tell you, there's a vas deferens...

little pianist
 
 
A man walks into a bar and sees a man sitting beside a 12 inch pianist. He walks up to the man and says, 'That's amazing how did you get that.' The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. So he rubs the bottle and a puff of smoke pops out and grants him one wish. So the man thinks and says, 'I wish I had a million bucks.' The genie says, "OK, go outside and your wish will be granted."

So the man goes outside and all he finds is ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells the man what happend and the man says, 'I know, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.'


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