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attempted suicide
 
 
One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, 'What's the best way to kill yourself?' The doctor told her, 'Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.' She asked him, 'Where's the heart located?' The doctor said, 'It's three fingers below the nipple.'
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, 'We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.'
new improved lawnmowers
 
 
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

the eskimo hunter
 
 
An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go hunting for seal. After he had prepared his gear for his journey, he set out over the frozen ice to his favorite hunting spot.

About halfway there, his snowmobile started to run badly and make grinding noises. So the hunter decided to turn around and head back to his village. And, in fact, just as he pulled up to the local mechanic, his snowmobile died.

He went inside and spoke with the mechanic, who agreed to take a look and see what the problem was. The mechanic followed the Eskimo outside to the snowmobile, raised the hood and began to examine the engine.

After a few minutes, the mechanic looked up at the hunter and said, “I think that you've blown a seal.” No,” answered the hunter, “those are just icicles on my mustache.”

space monkeys
 
 
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.'

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.'

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, 'This is mission control to the astronaut...'

At this the astronaut shouted 'I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.'


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