Whatever jokes

Jokes » whatever » humor 198

Whatever


pull over
 
 
A car decided not to stop for a stop sign but decided to slow down instead. A cop saw him and followed for about a mile before pulling him over. The cop got him out of his car and said 'Why didn't you stop?' The man said, 'I slowed down.' The cop pulled out his nightstick and started beating him. 'Now,' the cop said, 'do you want me to stop or slow down?'
if _____ made toasters
 
 
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

lemonia
 
 
What do you give injured lemons?

Lemonade!
true newspaper clippings
 
 

  • 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

  • AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

  • SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

  • FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

  • 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

  • TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

  • COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

  • 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

  • STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

  • FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

  • FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

  • SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

  • GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

  • FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

  • FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

  • FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

  • NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

  • BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

  • SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

  • FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

  • HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

  • GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

  • HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

  • GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

  • NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

  • FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

  • AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

  • TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

  • NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

  • EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

  • OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

  • JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

  • LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

  • ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

  • GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

  • GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

  • BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2

  • OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

  • KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

  • FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.


Page 199 of 497     «« Previous | Next »»