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little johnny's halloween
 
 
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

laughing washing machine
 
 
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the pants.
dictaphone
 
 
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"

He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

californians & granola bars
 
 
How is California like a Granola bar?

They both contain fruits, nuts and flakes!

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