Whatever jokes

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

* If the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire

There is always a way

That way is always mined

Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo

What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank

Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at

If orders can be misunderstood they will be

The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd

Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud

Mine fields are not neutral

If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict

The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack

If your attack is going well, it's an ambush

Never draw fire, it irritates those around you

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder

Friendly fire isn't

Never stand when you can sit

Never sit when you can lie down

Never stay awake when you can sleep

A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds

The enemy never watches until you make a mistake

Whenever you are low on ammo, you can never hit anything

The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be repaired

Interchangeable parts are not

The item you need is always in short supply

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of it's operator

No combat ready group ever passes inspection

No inspection ready group ever survives combat

Peace is our profession, mass murder is just a hobby

All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps

Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together

If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both

Tracers work both ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it

Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

'Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!'