Whatever jokes

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

1. I'll get a world record for this.
2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
3. It's fireproof.
4. He's probably just hibernating.
5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
6. So, you're a cannibal.
7. It's probably just a rash.
8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
10. Pull the pin and count to what?
11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
12. I wonder where the mother bear is.
13. I've seen this done on TV.
14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
17. Rat poison only kills rats.
18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
19. This doesn't taste right.
20. I can make this light before it changes.
21. Nice doggie.
22. I can do that with my eyes closed.
23. Well, we've made it this far.
24. That's odd.
25. Don't be so superstitious!

"You have two choices of death," says the chief. "We either will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes."

The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself. The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest.

"I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!"