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the witty truck driver
 
 

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

paraplegic
 
 
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

camoflauge clothing
 
 
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

famous last words
 
 
  1. I'll get a world record for this.
  2. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
  3. It's fireproof.
  4. He's probably just hibernating.
  5. I'm making a citizen's arrest.
  6. So, you're a cannibal.
  7. It's probably just a rash.
  8. Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
  9. The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
  10. Pull the pin and count to what?
  11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
  12. I wonder where the mother bear is.
  13. I've seen this done on TV.
  14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
  15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
  16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
  17. Rat poison only kills rats.
  18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
  19. This doesn't taste right.
  20. I can make this light before it changes.
  21. Nice doggie.
  22. I can do that with my eyes closed.
  23. Well, we've made it this far.
  24. That's odd.
  25. Don't be so superstitious!

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