Whatever jokes

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both offer very little support!

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every 7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of water every three hours. The last section has everybody kneedeep in crap.

"Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll take the crap."

"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."

Once upon a workday dreary, my stomach grumbled loud and clearly.
“What's all this? I just ate!” But the noise would not dissipate.
I turned to my left In search of a bite,
One pack of ketchup, some sugar. Not quite.
To my right I then gazed, looking for food,
Not a morsel in sight, Not even something half-chewed.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear?
But two silver quarters, “I'm saved,” I cheered!
I snatched up the change, And dashed down the hall. Soon I would be vending and snacking like all!
As I neared the break-room, I thought of the treats,
Popcorn! Twinkies! Cheese on Wheat!
At last I arrived, and put in my change,
Not knowing at all what the Gods had arranged.
Ho-Ho's! Yes! I had found my snack!
Sitting angelically in that thin spiral rack.
I pressed B, then 14. Then waited with glee
But wait! God no! It simply can't be!
The spiral had whirred, and finally stopped spinning,
But my beautiful Ho-Ho's Were stuck in the rimming!
I pounded once, then twice, and shouted something obscene.
The people, they watched, as I stood there and screamed.
I shook the machine With fury and rage!
Still, the snack would not fall From it's monstrous cage!
I sobbed uncontrollably, still hungry as ever,
I felt like a fool, On a pointless endeavor.
Wretched contraption, ' “How could you?!,” I asked.
So I scratched out a note, and wrote it out fast.
“Dear Snack Man, I BEG YOU, Get rid of this Evil!
It takes all my money, And leaves me quite feeble.
As If I don't have enough stress in my life,
This cursed machine causes nothing but strife!
So take back your Ding-Dongs, your Barbecue Chips,
Your Honey Buns, Packs of Gum and Nachos with Dip.
Look close at this beast and the Evil you cause.
My Ho-Ho, you'll see, is stuck in it's claws!
So Snack Man, I plead I want my change back!
50 cents in small coins And begone with your snacks!
To my desk I returned, feeling empty and sad, But you know, ketchup and sugar really isn't that bad.

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But I'm not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"